I have been so distracted lately to even get on here and I know I need to more because it definitely helps me let out somethings I just keep to myself everyday.
I felt like in the past few months I have seen such growth in myself, so much growth that I was beginning to think I was "fine" again. When I say "fine" I mean, maybe I don't need my medicine, maybe I can stop seeking out therapy etc. What I quickly came to realize is when you are hitting your highs, you can't forget about your lows. Of course, you don't need to think about bad times when you are happy but at least for myself, I am quick to 360 right back to where I was before at the times when I am feeling happy and motivated-I stop the progress in itself. Everyday and every week is a learning experience. I know the things that make me feel good and I know the things that make me feel awful. I'm going to get a little deeper here and go off on my rants per usual. But I have known for so long that going on a run, hikes, being around my family, going to dinner with friends, and focusing time on my job makes me feel good. I have also known for so long that drinking excessively leaves me with the worst anxiety in the morning and sometimes can effect me for days, it turns people away from me, it makes me doubt any progress I have made, and worst of all it makes me question the person I am. I am not saying I have a drinking problem but I am aware that when I drink to a certain point where I am not the person I know that I want to be. I hate that I have even let people see that side of someone I can't even say is myself. I am sure we have all had bad and good experiences with alcohol but I know when I drink too much I am only trying to mask something that I am not addressing sober. I know I can be so obnoxious and loud and call people who I don't even care to speak to for just an ounce of attention. and that is AWFUL. Sober Caitlyn doesn't give two fs about these people I was blowing up the night before or care about whatever I cried about or said things I don't mean. I have hurt people doing this and I without a doubt have pushed friends and family away when I get to that level. I got scared... I really started to think, do I have a problem? I talked to my family and friends and really looked at the situation but I know I can drink and be myself and have fun but why do I always have to take it so far? I challenged myself this past week as I made my way to North Carolina to just try and focus on my family and my favorite place in the whole world. and I did it (I wasn't on my phone unless I wanted to post a photo), as much as I post stories or instagram and facebook pictures that does not define me. I am so beyond sick of people not seeing me for who I am and just judging what I post or what I wear and I can't keep up.
I know I am judged on a daily basis but I need to stop worrying about proving myself to other people (even family members that I have tried to prove I am a good person to my entire life) I just need to be happy that I know the person I am and I really do know that person. I left NY and I spent the last week with my family and we drank wine, played games, surfed, watched stupid tv, and I completely let myself go and it brought me to the happiest place I have been in a long time. And I did that WITH drinking here and there. I don't want my life to revolve around going out to the bars or getting drunk and I am the only person that has control of that. My friends would snapchat me or text me and be like CAITLYN you just said you were going to stop going out etc etc and that's what I wanted I want them to care and hear me when I want to change some things in my life but I have to learn how to manage on my own. I have to learn to feel my limits again and know when to stop and really know, do I feel like going out tonight to have fun or am I only going because the rest of the world is tonight or I am in a bad mood, I want to get my mind off things.. These are the times I know I need to sit my ass down and watch a murder documentary and not consume alcohol. I just feel like this year is showing me amazing things- good and bad. I am realizing things about myself I didn't know before and a lot of them are difficult and I have never questioned my drinking in my entire life so I'm like whoaaa wtf but no I am happy that I realized now, that when I get to that certain point - that is not what I want people to see and that is def not what I want for myself and I know that is going to be a full process, I can slip up and if it goes too far then I know that I just can't have that in my life. But at least I have a hold on what the problem is and how to handle it. I saw and I know I am capable of limiting myself and only doing things when I am in a good mood not to make me forget or because I am in a bad place that day.
When it comes to judgement, I know I said I am over it but that shows I have some animosity toward the fact. I don't want that. Obviously things still affect me even if I am working on myself. But I can't prove to anyone that I am more than my appearance or I am more than this girl being stupid getting drunk or posting a basic wine picture on her story. I can't control the judgement, if I really wanted to try- I could just not take photos and try to be as silent as possible when I am around a group of people, but that makes me feel like I am trying to hold back so people stop making remarks or guys stop messaging me uncomfortable things or girls stop making jokes about how crazy or wild I am when it is just my personality, It always has been. I am actually very shy if you don't know me and then when you do, you might wish I was back to being shy lmao. I know I am a lot and I know the way I come off, just wish people took the time to know the person on the inside and deep real life conversations. Last week I was with my soon to be sister and I was talking to this guy for awhile and he stopped me at one point- and said "Wow. Can I say something?" obviously said "what??"- "Ya know, I really didn't think there was much more to ya then a "barbie doll" but I can actually talk to you about real things." like OMG? no way. This comment honestly didn't bother me because I am used to people making their assumptions. I am used to people I meet that have me on social media just assume oh shes slutty or she is obsessed with herself. Which is just so far from the truth. I have so much respect for myself and for woman and I wish people saw that or knew this other side of me that isn't just photos it isn't just stupid times with my friends. I have deep thoughts, I have a lot to give to the world and a lot I am passionate about. I am smarter than I come across. I can put my mind to anything just like anyone else out there, I trained hard to run a full marathon without stopping and didn't even think oh is this hard? do people do this? I truly believe I can do anything and when I find a passion I take action, that might come off wrong but I know what I am capable of and it's okay if nobody else sees that.
My best friend says I come off as the most ditsy person she knows and would always give me shit like oh don't say stuff like that that's why people think you act ditsy or come off dumb etc. Even her boyfriend judged me for a long time and then when I spent more time with them a couple months ago he made similar comments "I didn't know how real you were, I just saw social media" blah blah blah or at least something to that. We all judge, I do it but I don't want to anymore because I know how it has effected me and my confidence level. Let's just stop giving a F!
This has been something forever that if I am being honest it truly has bothered me to my core. It doesn't so much anymore but I did want to write about it because I am sure there are people that have similar situations. Even sometimes I question if my friends know the real me because of all the jokes they make about me or calling me super extra or dramatic but I can't do that. They joke that they are shocked I have a real great adult job or that it's hard to take me seriously but I don't need to prove anything. I can be my happy dramatic extra self but still have debt to who I am. I am not a bikini photo and I am not the crazy girl screaming playing drinking games or getting a million speeding tickets. I know I am very different, I sometimes don't really care a lot and do whatever I want and am very spontaneous and that def has good parts but has a lot of bad too. The amount of tickets I have gotten is not normal, the amount of car accidents from stupid decisions or going too fast and parking wherever I want is just dumb. I get things stolen out of my car etc etc because I am very careless and I am working on that but I don't want to completely get rid of that part of me. I like that I can hop on a plane and move to a different city and not think twice. I like that I can decide hey I wanna go sky diving and just sign up and do it. But there needs to be limitations, I need to think these through especially big life changes or things that will affect me later on and that is a work in progress but hey that's me.
Should I just stop posting things, should I stop saying things I find funny even though they are dumb? I don't want to. I think that makes me- me. I am an idiot I know that I say the dumbest stuff and everyone laughs, I always have people laughing and I love that. Even if it is at my own expense. I love that I don't know geography and where something is on the map and my cousins quiz me cracking up on 5th grade questions. Because I know what I know and I am who I am.
Even when I started my job, I heard a lot of things people said about me behind my back or comments guys made about my clothing. And people have said to me "if you don't like all the attention on that then why dress like that" and I am like LIKE WHAT! I dress the way I LIKE TO the way that makes ME feel good. I don't dress for men I don't dress for attention. I don't act a certain way or make a "dumb" personality to be all cute, I am just being me and if people can't see that then goooooodbye. Some people learn overtime and some people judge from the start and don't come into my life any further. I do wish people respected me more, and didn't message me things on social media and didn't make jokes all the time but I got to work on letting it go as much as possible. I can't be in control of anyone else's thoughts. I can't turn off my loud crazy self and pretend to be all boring and normal so people take me seriously. But I am proud of where I am, I am proud that it isn't bothering me as much as it used to. I hope for anyone that has gotten this far that you take control of your thoughts and stop worrying about opinions of others because we all need to. Where is the worrying going to get us? Own the person you are no matter what people say to you or behind your back.
Girls- don't delete a hot picture of yourself because you are worried what people are going to think. I think this past week was the first time I posted pictures without any makeup and it felt so good. I don't show it a lot and I can't say I will do it more but I'm finding so much more confidence in myself and I want all girls too because I have struggled with it FOREVER. For all the people who think, I am obsessed with myself or ditsy or this and this because of my social media posts- you're wrong. I think when I was younger I would post a lot because I wanted the reassurance I wanted the guys to tell me I looked good because I felt insecure about myself but now I block guys who message me anything lmao I do it for myself. I want to lift girls up and not bring each other down. Ripping on a girl for posting an "inappropriate" picture isn't going to make you feel better about yourself. So start complimenting others, stop the shit talking, just do what makes you happy and always always always be aware of other peoples feelings because it hits deeper than you may think.
Men- I know aren't the only ones but with all of this sex trafficking and child trafficking going on I have lost allllll tolerance for comments, messages, creepy snapchats and in person contact as well. Hearing other girls stories has made me a stronger woman- I used to just brush it off if a guy like grabbed my ass when I was out, or sent me an inappropriate picture or tried to get me to come home with them when I am drinking but NO. The more girls brush this stuff off the more these men will think it is acceptable. Start sticking up for yourself. I have been blocking more people than I ever have in my life just for any sort of message I didn't appreciate or want. I know this day in age the comments guys message us are different then the "Hi you're beautiful let me take you on a date to the movies" lmao like obviously things aren't like that as much but that doesn't mean we have to tolerate what we get now. Okay rant over, I don't even know where this has gotten to anymore.
If you can please donate to this charity for child trafficking!!! It is so so important to me!
THANK YOU GOODBYE HAVE A GREAT AMAZING HAPPY WEEK I know nobody got this far <3 <3 <3