• caitlynoconnor

I have been so distracted lately to even get on here and I know I need to more because it definitely helps me let out somethings I just keep to myself everyday.

I felt like in the past few months I have seen such growth in myself, so much growth that I was beginning to think I was "fine" again. When I say "fine" I mean, maybe I don't need my medicine, maybe I can stop seeking out therapy etc. What I quickly came to realize is when you are hitting your highs, you can't forget about your lows. Of course, you don't need to think about bad times when you are happy but at least for myself, I am quick to 360 right back to where I was before at the times when I am feeling happy and motivated-I stop the progress in itself. Everyday and every week is a learning experience. I know the things that make me feel good and I know the things that make me feel awful. I'm going to get a little deeper here and go off on my rants per usual. But I have known for so long that going on a run, hikes, being around my family, going to dinner with friends, and focusing time on my job makes me feel good. I have also known for so long that drinking excessively leaves me with the worst anxiety in the morning and sometimes can effect me for days, it turns people away from me, it makes me doubt any progress I have made, and worst of all it makes me question the person I am. I am not saying I have a drinking problem but I am aware that when I drink to a certain point where I am not the person I know that I want to be. I hate that I have even let people see that side of someone I can't even say is myself. I am sure we have all had bad and good experiences with alcohol but I know when I drink too much I am only trying to mask something that I am not addressing sober. I know I can be so obnoxious and loud and call people who I don't even care to speak to for just an ounce of attention. and that is AWFUL. Sober Caitlyn doesn't give two fs about these people I was blowing up the night before or care about whatever I cried about or said things I don't mean. I have hurt people doing this and I without a doubt have pushed friends and family away when I get to that level. I got scared... I really started to think, do I have a problem? I talked to my family and friends and really looked at the situation but I know I can drink and be myself and have fun but why do I always have to take it so far? I challenged myself this past week as I made my way to North Carolina to just try and focus on my family and my favorite place in the whole world. and I did it (I wasn't on my phone unless I wanted to post a photo), as much as I post stories or instagram and facebook pictures that does not define me. I am so beyond sick of people not seeing me for who I am and just judging what I post or what I wear and I can't keep up.

I know I am judged on a daily basis but I need to stop worrying about proving myself to other people (even family members that I have tried to prove I am a good person to my entire life) I just need to be happy that I know the person I am and I really do know that person. I left NY and I spent the last week with my family and we drank wine, played games, surfed, watched stupid tv, and I completely let myself go and it brought me to the happiest place I have been in a long time. And I did that WITH drinking here and there. I don't want my life to revolve around going out to the bars or getting drunk and I am the only person that has control of that. My friends would snapchat me or text me and be like CAITLYN you just said you were going to stop going out etc etc and that's what I wanted I want them to care and hear me when I want to change some things in my life but I have to learn how to manage on my own. I have to learn to feel my limits again and know when to stop and really know, do I feel like going out tonight to have fun or am I only going because the rest of the world is tonight or I am in a bad mood, I want to get my mind off things.. These are the times I know I need to sit my ass down and watch a murder documentary and not consume alcohol. I just feel like this year is showing me amazing things- good and bad. I am realizing things about myself I didn't know before and a lot of them are difficult and I have never questioned my drinking in my entire life so I'm like whoaaa wtf but no I am happy that I realized now, that when I get to that certain point - that is not what I want people to see and that is def not what I want for myself and I know that is going to be a full process, I can slip up and if it goes too far then I know that I just can't have that in my life. But at least I have a hold on what the problem is and how to handle it. I saw and I know I am capable of limiting myself and only doing things when I am in a good mood not to make me forget or because I am in a bad place that day.

When it comes to judgement, I know I said I am over it but that shows I have some animosity toward the fact. I don't want that. Obviously things still affect me even if I am working on myself. But I can't prove to anyone that I am more than my appearance or I am more than this girl being stupid getting drunk or posting a basic wine picture on her story. I can't control the judgement, if I really wanted to try- I could just not take photos and try to be as silent as possible when I am around a group of people, but that makes me feel like I am trying to hold back so people stop making remarks or guys stop messaging me uncomfortable things or girls stop making jokes about how crazy or wild I am when it is just my personality, It always has been. I am actually very shy if you don't know me and then when you do, you might wish I was back to being shy lmao. I know I am a lot and I know the way I come off, just wish people took the time to know the person on the inside and deep real life conversations. Last week I was with my soon to be sister and I was talking to this guy for awhile and he stopped me at one point- and said "Wow. Can I say something?" obviously said "what??"- "Ya know, I really didn't think there was much more to ya then a "barbie doll" but I can actually talk to you about real things." like OMG? no way. This comment honestly didn't bother me because I am used to people making their assumptions. I am used to people I meet that have me on social media just assume oh shes slutty or she is obsessed with herself. Which is just so far from the truth. I have so much respect for myself and for woman and I wish people saw that or knew this other side of me that isn't just photos it isn't just stupid times with my friends. I have deep thoughts, I have a lot to give to the world and a lot I am passionate about. I am smarter than I come across. I can put my mind to anything just like anyone else out there, I trained hard to run a full marathon without stopping and didn't even think oh is this hard? do people do this? I truly believe I can do anything and when I find a passion I take action, that might come off wrong but I know what I am capable of and it's okay if nobody else sees that.

My best friend says I come off as the most ditsy person she knows and would always give me shit like oh don't say stuff like that that's why people think you act ditsy or come off dumb etc. Even her boyfriend judged me for a long time and then when I spent more time with them a couple months ago he made similar comments "I didn't know how real you were, I just saw social media" blah blah blah or at least something to that. We all judge, I do it but I don't want to anymore because I know how it has effected me and my confidence level. Let's just stop giving a F!

This has been something forever that if I am being honest it truly has bothered me to my core. It doesn't so much anymore but I did want to write about it because I am sure there are people that have similar situations. Even sometimes I question if my friends know the real me because of all the jokes they make about me or calling me super extra or dramatic but I can't do that. They joke that they are shocked I have a real great adult job or that it's hard to take me seriously but I don't need to prove anything. I can be my happy dramatic extra self but still have debt to who I am. I am not a bikini photo and I am not the crazy girl screaming playing drinking games or getting a million speeding tickets. I know I am very different, I sometimes don't really care a lot and do whatever I want and am very spontaneous and that def has good parts but has a lot of bad too. The amount of tickets I have gotten is not normal, the amount of car accidents from stupid decisions or going too fast and parking wherever I want is just dumb. I get things stolen out of my car etc etc because I am very careless and I am working on that but I don't want to completely get rid of that part of me. I like that I can hop on a plane and move to a different city and not think twice. I like that I can decide hey I wanna go sky diving and just sign up and do it. But there needs to be limitations, I need to think these through especially big life changes or things that will affect me later on and that is a work in progress but hey that's me.

Should I just stop posting things, should I stop saying things I find funny even though they are dumb? I don't want to. I think that makes me- me. I am an idiot I know that I say the dumbest stuff and everyone laughs, I always have people laughing and I love that. Even if it is at my own expense. I love that I don't know geography and where something is on the map and my cousins quiz me cracking up on 5th grade questions. Because I know what I know and I am who I am.

Even when I started my job, I heard a lot of things people said about me behind my back or comments guys made about my clothing. And people have said to me "if you don't like all the attention on that then why dress like that" and I am like LIKE WHAT! I dress the way I LIKE TO the way that makes ME feel good. I don't dress for men I don't dress for attention. I don't act a certain way or make a "dumb" personality to be all cute, I am just being me and if people can't see that then goooooodbye. Some people learn overtime and some people judge from the start and don't come into my life any further. I do wish people respected me more, and didn't message me things on social media and didn't make jokes all the time but I got to work on letting it go as much as possible. I can't be in control of anyone else's thoughts. I can't turn off my loud crazy self and pretend to be all boring and normal so people take me seriously. But I am proud of where I am, I am proud that it isn't bothering me as much as it used to. I hope for anyone that has gotten this far that you take control of your thoughts and stop worrying about opinions of others because we all need to. Where is the worrying going to get us? Own the person you are no matter what people say to you or behind your back.

Girls- don't delete a hot picture of yourself because you are worried what people are going to think. I think this past week was the first time I posted pictures without any makeup and it felt so good. I don't show it a lot and I can't say I will do it more but I'm finding so much more confidence in myself and I want all girls too because I have struggled with it FOREVER. For all the people who think, I am obsessed with myself or ditsy or this and this because of my social media posts- you're wrong. I think when I was younger I would post a lot because I wanted the reassurance I wanted the guys to tell me I looked good because I felt insecure about myself but now I block guys who message me anything lmao I do it for myself. I want to lift girls up and not bring each other down. Ripping on a girl for posting an "inappropriate" picture isn't going to make you feel better about yourself. So start complimenting others, stop the shit talking, just do what makes you happy and always always always be aware of other peoples feelings because it hits deeper than you may think.

Men- I know aren't the only ones but with all of this sex trafficking and child trafficking going on I have lost allllll tolerance for comments, messages, creepy snapchats and in person contact as well. Hearing other girls stories has made me a stronger woman- I used to just brush it off if a guy like grabbed my ass when I was out, or sent me an inappropriate picture or tried to get me to come home with them when I am drinking but NO. The more girls brush this stuff off the more these men will think it is acceptable. Start sticking up for yourself. I have been blocking more people than I ever have in my life just for any sort of message I didn't appreciate or want. I know this day in age the comments guys message us are different then the "Hi you're beautiful let me take you on a date to the movies" lmao like obviously things aren't like that as much but that doesn't mean we have to tolerate what we get now. Okay rant over, I don't even know where this has gotten to anymore.

If you can please donate to this charity for child trafficking!!! It is so so important to me!

THANK YOU GOODBYE HAVE A GREAT AMAZING HAPPY WEEK I know nobody got this far <3 <3 <3

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  • caitlynoconnor

So... this is a little all over the place so skip what you please, I would. I hope wherever you are living and if places are opening or not that you are finding some enjoyment and things to keep you busy. I'm not exactly the person that has been excited to take this time to clean, organize, and like plant a garden but I did buy a plant.. that will probably die in a week. I am also not the girl who wakes up at 5am does yoga, makes a smoothie and puts on a full face of makeup, ready to take on the day. It is definitely hard to stay motivated to do those things... it's hard to get up early, make your bed, even just get dressed. I was in sweatpants and a hoodie for a month straight of quarantine and as I am typing this I am in sweats, a messy bun, no makeup but hey I just showered! I'm sure everyone knows this and I know I mentioned it before but everything you do, you can do at your own time and your own pace.

After taking a lotttt of this time being lazy I was kind of over it. I've really wanted to feel some type of normal again. I actually MISSED putting on makeup and getting in a workout. Luckily, I still have my job and have meetings every morning so at least that is holding me accountable to wake up at a decent time and get my day started. Before, I was kind of just working from whatever space I could find, still just lounging around while working on my laptop. The smallest things can make you feel better and a little more "normal" so I set up a desk space, opened up the curtains to make it nice and bright and I now force myself to sit at the desk and work for a good couple hours uninterrupted (still in my sweatpants) and then take a break. I am trying to get up earlier and workout before work but it just isn't for me. I know I COULD but I don't really see why I have to... What I am getting at here is that your routine doesn't need to be just like everyone else's or what you see or think other people are doing. But if you have been stuck in a bit of a depression state, finding it hard to get out of bed and do something else... I'm personally finding it really helpful to make a plan for my week, to always come up with one thing to look forward to the next day. I've started making it a commitment to hike/run/walk every day even when I don't want to (but ya know what I ALWAYS feel better after doing so). Obviously we are social distancing but there are some people I have been seeing so I make plans with them even if it's just a movie night or walking together the next day. Having something on my agenda for tomorrow, I find helps me stay sane.

Maybe you are a morning person and it makes you feel good to get up, run, have a cup of coffee and be on the go but I've realized I am very much a night time person. Literally when it hits like 7PM I have more motivation than I have had all day and idk why that is lol. I always thought that running first thing in the morning was my thing but that was in college when my classes were a lot later. I used to be a very big runner, more than a dozen half marathons and one full marathon in South Carolina. Adulting hit and I have an 8-5 job and I am just NOT waking up before 7 to workout and I don't want to put on makeup or normal clothes if I'm working from home. I do want to get back to being able to run a half marathon without a sweat and eventually train for another full. Quarantine definitely wasn't the reason I stopped consistently running, I think I just got too comfortable with how my life was but I want to feel healthy and have my hobby back and that is what I plan to do. Kind of journaling about my week thoughts here...

This is repetitive from my last blog BUT I do want to challenge anyone reading this to take one day this week to do those things I said I have not been doing consistently. To get up at a decent hour (even if you have nothing to do all day), do a workout of your choice, maybe learn to meditate, read, listen to a podcast during a walk, make a healthy meal, put on JEANS, and do your hair too. Putting yourself together just might make you feel good and for right now it doesn't have to be everyday but I chose a couple days this week to just do it all and I felt a little better. I've also felt my mood change doing little productive things (and I mean very little) ... I cleaned out my car and cleaned my make up bag and was like wow I've done so much today. I still am going to binge-watch shows, drink too much wine, and nap when I please but I am challenging myself and others to switch up your routine a bit. Even if you have been super productive everyday and you still are just not feeling your happiest- try something different. I was used to running every morning so I would make the excuse that I was too tired after work to do it but now I'm enjoying my mid-day runs (which I'll have to switch once I am back in an office) but do something different. I'm making it a plan to try and start meditating when I have told myself I would try a million times so I know it won't be everyday but keep making goals of things you want to try and see what you find!

Another off topic (I mean I don't think this has any topic so oh well)- I know a lot of people might be struggling with mental health, stress or losing their jobs and security and I want to challenge you again to reach out to someone that maybe you haven't spoke to in awhile even if you know they are perfectly fine, anyone - send a text, phone call, DM, and check in. I've talked to a couple people this week that I haven't spoke to in honestly a couple years and it felt nice to hear their experience and how they are doing and just what they are up to (might give ya some ideas of other things to do) honestly this might be selfish but it might also make you realize you are in a luckier place than you thought after hearing someone else's situation, if you do still have a job, your health, or maybe you are lucky enough to be surrounded by a group of people during this time and not alone. It's hard to focus on it but we really do have to appreciate the things we do have. I am so blessed to have a stable job right now and things to look forward to in my future.

Challenge number three (idk if you will take anything away from what I am writing but at least it's holding me accountable) this challenge I really find has given my mind a break and my little comparison issue a rest. I challenge you to unfollow EVERY account on any social media platform that makes you feel less than. I actually deactivated my social media for a couple days this week but kind of tough because I have to have it for work. The people or accounts you might unfollow should just be anything that makes you have a negative thought, feel or something that just bothers you for whatever reason. It could be celebrities, Instagram models, it could be meme accounts that you used to find funny but are kind of negative (that was specific.. I had a lot of those lol), it could be people that negatively effected your life or someone you simply just do not want to see anymore. This isn't meant to be mean or punish anyone but you don't need to be friends with everybody, some people are just not meant to be in your life and seeing some things on social media just might push you the wrong way without you even realizing it. TIP: if you don't want to hurt someones feelings or upset anyone you can *mute* their profile so you don't have to see anything! I had to do this to a family friend that I hope isn't reading this but simply because they bitch about everything on Facebook and I don't want to see anymore negativity. Use social media for whatever you want but if you are anything like me and want to live a more positive life, start following some quote accounts or motivational users too! Some of my favorites on Instagram:







There are millions out there so search what you want but it does make my day a little brighter when I am scrolling through not just friends and random people but words that can speak me to me as well.

I am attaching a link below of other things you can do during this time. There's even virtual wine/beer tours people!!

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  • caitlynoconnor

Updated: May 16, 2020

This is a little scary and intimidating to start putting my life out there for anyone to see ( and if you don't want to, stop reading :) ) I've been wanting to start a Blog/YouTube channel and an online store for awhile now (one thing at a time...) but my goal is to help, motivate and entertain others, even if it is just one person- as well as myself along the way.

I think with everything going on in the world we are all discovering new things about ourselves. How we handle being alone, how we adjust to change, our mental health, who and what really matters. I’ve struggled with mental health issues for about 5 years now and what I learned in the past couple weeks is more than I have learned all together in those past years- the focus of yourself and your own mental health should always be a priority. For me, I think when life feels okay and I am around people I love and feeling good that I forget to continue my personal growth. I sweep things under the rug and I forget to think about the negative times even if it’s just once a week or maybe a couple times a day- I forget to think about those negative thoughts I had, the way I am reacting to things and why. I think that is something everyone should focus on daily so when unexpected “turbulence” occurs we are ready to face it head on and our world does not fall apart. Everyone is different but I know where my struggles are and I think a couple weeks alone with my thoughts (a lot of research and a lot of reading) have led me to discover that being alone doesn’t need to feel lonely. This is a daily process of course.

Starting this blog and soon to come YouTube channel, I want to be as raw as possible. Yes, I have anxiety, depression and have “overcome” an eating disorder. As hard as this strange time is, or if you're going through a loss or just missing family and friends (a lot of mine are far away!), I’ve come to realize that you are never alone if you know yourself and love yourself. I know how that sounds- you can’t just be happy because you love yourself or are okay with the person you are.. but you can. Everyday won’t be perfect and I will continue to struggle when things get hard but finding what is causing the root of the anxiety or depression or loneliness or just mild sadness one day can put you to a place where you feel at peace. I read a lot of motivation quotes, I talk to my friends as much as possible, I got a lot of advice from a lot of amazing special people. Change doesn’t happen over night but you can start at anytime, you can fail 50 times a day and then re start again. I started journaling a week ago, I write what I am grateful for (this can help when you think everything is horrible in life) and what I truly respect and love about myself. (mine are simple but helps me see my worth- get cocky it’s okay and you should be)

· I have a huge heart and I love hard

· I genuinely care about the people in my life more than words can explain

· I want to help when I see someone else struggling

· I am beautiful (even if I don’t look exactly like all the Instagram models)

· I make people LAUGH and that makes me feel good

· I like to give

· I am beyond spontaneous and I like that about myself

I have messed up in my past and I have put my struggles on other people and couldn’t figure out how to get out of my own negative head. I have lied, I have cheated, I have walked out of other people’s lives as well. Nobody is perfect but I have begun learning how to handle my negative thoughts, so I don’t put those on the people around me. I know who I am and what I value and that is all that should matter. I’ve also learned you don’t need to be faster at achieving something or better than anyone else. You don’t need to compare your life to the next person you see on social media or all your friends. I did this all the time and still will probably have slip ups in my head where I find myself comparing, but one thing you need to remember is there is no deadline to finding your happiness. You won’t wake up one day and think oh I made it, I am officially happy! You will take it day by day but knowing the strengths you have on your own is so powerful. You don’t need to own a house or have the best job or be engaged or having babies at the same time as other’s around you. Your time will come when it is meant to come. And remember, anyone who is willing to walk out of your life- let them. Do not hold anger, do not hold grudges but let go and be the best version of yourself because life doesn’t stop when something goes wrong and you can’t stop either.

With everything being closed, I think now is the perfect time for everyone to dig deep and find joy in little things- maybe it’s taking a long hike, maybe it’s just face-timing your friends, maybe it is making a dance on Tik-Tok (I swear I wouldn’t use that app, but it makes me laugh and get off the couch and dance with my friends or family) maybe it is playing with your dog or researching something you are interested in online (serial killers) IDK but if you can find one little thing each day that makes you feel good, hold onto that and don’t stop doing those things even when you feel like just laying in bed all day (you can do that too, lounging makes me happy).

I want this to be about positivity, overcoming battles, being a better version of yourself, fashion, makeup, fitness – EVERYTHING. I see so much on social media-girls posting ads for makeup, clothes, weight-loss and I watch it too, so this is nothing negative toward them but social media can really put a strain on our lives and thoughts. It is so far from reality and I hope we all know by now that no matter what people are posting and how happy they look- they have all had struggles too but none of us post those on the internet for the world to see, and why not? I'm guilty of the same thing, you don't see me posting pictures with no makeup and laying in bed all day but I think it would make all of us feel a little better if we saw imperfections and not just the 'happy' days. I want to bring it all to the table. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to motivate myself and others to break bad habits, to get outside and be active, and to focus on personal growth even if everything is perfect in life... there will be times where something isn’t perfect and you might not know how to handle it. I want to grow, be open, ready and stronger for whatever comes my way. Aaand I want to talk fashion, fitness and makeup too 😊

(I am not a writer so please don’t judge grammar- videos coming SOON)

“You can change your location, meet different people and still have some of the same old problems come up. To truly change your life you need to look inward, get to know/love yourself and heal the trauma and dense conditioning. This is how you get to the roof of the matter. Internal changes have a significant external impact.”

"3 things to remember when your mind is full of turbulence:

Do not trust the way you see yourself

Do not create assumptions about others

Wait until you feel better to make final decision that have long term effects"

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© 2020 by Caitlyn O'Connor.